My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
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I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Zordon: go find me some high schoolers
Assistant: but wouldn’t the Power Rangers be more powerful if they were adults?
Zordon: NO! *breathing heavily* and make them wear spandex
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.