“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
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If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
[car slides off road in a snowstorm]
Stranger: you need a tow?
Me: no Sir 10 is enough for me[we both laugh as he drives away]
[still stuck 10 hours later]
Wife:
Me: I regret nothing
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.