if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.