hey, alexa
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Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms