COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
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I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
I bet you 5390.24$ you can’t guess how much money I owe my parents.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Y’all ready for this
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
that de-escalated quickly
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
Can’t wait to see my CW’s face Monday morning when she asks me how my weekend was, and I tell her I took a bunch of tramadol and fell asleep in the garden with my chickens.
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑