clean window: [exists]
toddlers: what’s that taste like
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The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
my neighbor’s freakishly loud emu kept peeking in my window while i was trying to order an 8 ft, 132 lb chocolate sack ($500)
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
*buys shed at B&Q*
B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?
Me: No, it’s going in the garden.
B&Q:
Me:
B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.