Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
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THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Did a trash talking tree write this?
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said