*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
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My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Nice mustache, bro.
Her: What?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
I choose which country to root for in the Olympics by what cuisine I’m hungry for at the moment. Go Italy! #gnocchi2014
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
🤣could you imagine
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Gonna drink a 42 hour energy so I can send three emails
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
The Assassin.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.