I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
You Might Also Like
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
There’s trash talk, then there’s this.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Police officer: *standing under a tree* Ma’am. Please. Come down from there.
Me: I am above the law.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.