Am I having a stroke?
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Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
Daughter: I love you mommy
Me: I love you!
Daughter: I’m not talking to you. I’m playing with my dinosaurs.
Me: Cool cool cool.
Me muttering: ungrateful little…
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
They did not miss in the small print
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.