They are only bad decisions if you get caught
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“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food