MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
You Might Also Like
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
DATE: {seductively} What’s your type?
ME: {seductively} One sec.
[2 minutes later]
ME: Ok yeah, love you, no I’m on a date, mom she’s the one trust me, thanks again, ok bye. {turns to date} She said B positive.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW