We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*
fava beans
a nice chianti
dave
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes