My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
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The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.