What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
You Might Also Like
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Author: So, I’ve got this children’s book. It’s about a hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Pass
Author: A VERY hungry caterpillar.
Agent: Go on…
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I’m the kindest, sweetest person you’ll ever meet. However, if someone was having a seizure in my bathtub, I’d probably throw in my laundry.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me in tagged photos
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.