Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
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[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
so
the limit is 412 chicken nuggets
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
I miss the good ol’ days until I remember things like having to get out of my chair and smack the tv to get a clearer picture.
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Jay-Z has an underachieving brother named Lay.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all