How much for the goth pool noodles?
You Might Also Like
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
Jesus steals the winter solstice
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.