A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
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I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
You people who don’t wear glasses don’t realize how gratifying it is to take them off and rub your eyes when someone’s being a moron.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑