{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
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Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
Moses: 🎶gimme one margarita imma open the sea, gimme two margaritas imma set my people free🎶
His people: ugh ya can you get off TikTok? We’re literally being chased
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Rich people don’t understand cereal