*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
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Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
*being born
my mom: oh SHIT
my dad: OH shit
me: OH SHIT
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.