Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
You Might Also Like
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”
-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Body by Oreos
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
Me: *hanging off a cliff*
Kids: Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom!
Me: Oh thank goodness! Kids, go get-
Kids: What’s for dinner?
I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything