I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
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Doing math together is known as fourplay.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
my mind
You just read my mind
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting