I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
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This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
HER: I’ve missed you so badly.
ME: *pulls hatchet from wall* thank god!
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.