GAME SHOW HOST: Dave, welcome to Embarrass Yourself For Little To No Gain. Are you ready?
ME: Buddy, I’ve been training my entire life for this.
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Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.