I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
You Might Also Like
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.