Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
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We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
The Cranberries. Great band name. You pick a fruit and you get to work.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
💯😂
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
My wedding will be open casket.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT