They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
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Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
“A little help here, Danny?”
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.