ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
honestly, i need both:
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
yea so i messed up lol
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old