God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
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Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.