(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Me: Anyone absent today?
Child: Nope….But 5 students were home sick.Only the finest education for my babies, folks…..
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am