[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
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“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
typing in the same password a third time but more powerfully
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me