The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
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me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
Without Googling, can you close your laptop, drive to the beach, and throw your phone into the ocean?
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!