I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
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Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Bring back the McRib
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Scream sneezers need love too.
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
A spider built his web across my door and I walked straight into it and for a moment I bet he dared to dream that he’d pulled off that one big heist that would finally let him retire.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”