Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
I handle stress the way cats bathe in water.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Getting ghosted would be awesome if it meant that your Tinder date was simply replaced by an actual ghost and instead of awkwardly sipping a coffee, you had to work with the ghost to solve a series of riddles to figure out how they died.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Holy shit he’s back
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
Our house is too small for a proper hallway. We pretend, though, and give directions like “it’s in the bedroom down the hall.”
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.