If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
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COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
The symmetry is uncanny.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird