[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
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Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
if all my dreams come true then the next time i go grocery shopping i’ll start mopping up a spill because suddenly i work there but then realize i forgot to wear pants so i’ll try to run home but my legs are made of rubber and then all my teeth fall out so stop wishing that on me
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Traveler’s camo
Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Aging is the worst. I miss the good ol’ days when my pain was strictly emotional.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.