Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
You Might Also Like
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Rival dad just flexed on my bird feeder post telling me about his with a built in camera. I may not recover from this.
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
…żyje?
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.