About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
Flock of bats
$3 #books
Jurassic park gets weird
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
People who complain about parties must not like free food.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
I ordered a hamburger today, but what I got was more of a beef wafer.
The main cause of immigration is we’re still a country where people want to go, but we’re working on fixing that
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.