I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
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I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.