I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
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Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Everyone’s allowed one Tolkien pun just don’t make it a hobbit
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?