Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
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ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun