Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?