I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
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Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
My husband just started assembling a bookshelf so I guess we’re fighting now.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.