Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
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Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
BECAUSE IT’S A PERVERT
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
car not found
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
awkward
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores