Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.
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establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I need to update my racial profile.