There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
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Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear