Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
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Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
The Sun
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.