I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
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If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance