[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
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Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
The French cow says MEUX…
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say “please put your shoes on” 17,000 times every morning.
My dreams have come true.
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
i could never sleep with a man named dunstin. that’s a monkey’s name.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do