Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
[fancy restaurant]
JESUS: what do you do for a living
DATE: I’m a pilot
JESUS: *narrows eyes*
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
*pokes sex life with a stick
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
[donating blood]
“You’re looking a little faint. Can I get you a drink?”
“No thanks, I’ve just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns.”
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
*Runs into bank with gun*
Alright! Everyone put your hands up!
*Tickles everyone*
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
me: get out of your own head live in the now
also me: tbh boneless chicken wings have the same flying potential as regular chicken wings
A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Previously On Persistence 😎